While I was writing my blog Don't Shoot the Messenger, I begin to think about how friends are usually held to a different standard than a persons spouse is. Are you following me yet? Of course not..so here goes.
During the course of life we will have friends that we hold on to and ones that we simply let go of. A lot of times friends are let go of because of a conflict between the spouse and a friend. This is more common in women than in men; therefore my focus will mostly be on a woman's relationship with her friends and spouse.
All it takes is for him to say "I don't like her" or "I don't want her at our house". And she is cut loose! or if she does one thing wrong she is DONE! But we will accept our spouse back continuously, no matter what he does! If you consider a person your friend then you should love her enough to defend her position in your life and consider all facts before giving her the cut off. The same woman that you cut off was probably the same woman that dried your tears when he did something to hurt you or when something in your life wasn't going right. Suppose your friend tells you that your spouse has lied to you about something really important. You decided to discuss it with him, he gives you another good lie or excuse. You are now okay with the fact that he lied about it but now you are upset that your friend brought it to your attention. Shouldn't we be happy that someone is trying to help us to see the things that we can't see now because we have "rose colored glasses" on? Instead of following up on the information (that he denies) to see if there is actually some truth and then getting rid of the man that's causing you the grief, you get upset with your friend for giving you the information. Suddenly, your friend becomes this horrible person with so many flaws that you just can't continue the friendship any longer. Wrong! Suddenly, your friend just told you the truth and you are afraid to confront the problem and admit the truth! You would rather make yourself believe that your friend had ill intentions and that she is jealous of your relationship. Now you must cut her off because you Refuse to have a friend like that in your life and in order for you to keep your relationship with your spouse you have to let her go!Besides,in your mind you can't have both, it just won't work!
Now let's switch positions here. Your spouse comes to you to tell you that your bestfriend was saying horrible things about you behind your back. You call your friend to discuss it (she denies it) but you don't believe her. You take his word for it and decide that you won't accept what she has done and end the friendship! There is no explaining that right! Besides, she doesn't agree with your decision to be with him anyway and she is single so therefore it was only a matter of time before you had to end the friendship.
In both scenarios your friend has just been given the cut off! These are just scenarios out of many that are usual happenings in the friendship/spouse conflict.Not only have you held your friend to a higher standard because she has tried to prevent you from being hurt further but you have also shown where your loyalty is. You would rather convince yourself that she was in the wrong in in order for you to maintain the relationship with your spouse. We have this idea that our friends aren't capable of making mistakes within the friendship and that our ideas of their violations can't be forgiven. An apology and act of kindness isn't enough to earn the trust back within the friendship because you are totally convinced that she is out to poison your relationship with him. We will lower our standards in a spouse in order to keep the relationship but will hold our friends accountable at all costs!We should do the same in our relationships! If we expect loyalty, trust, and compassion in our friendships then we should expect the same from our spouse! Hold them accountable for their actions and when it is time to cut it off, you have to do just that! If that relationship isn't bringing you any happiness or positivity then let it go! We do it to our friends everday!
Covering all grounds of this subject will take me 3 days of writing! There will be a part 2 to this but on another part of the spectrum!
AND this speaking TRUTHFULLY!I have had a friend do this to me. Her husband lied on me to get her mad at me.I think sometimes that type of man needs full control over his woman...removing good friends is a great technique... She can no longer hear how she SHOULD be treated.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason beyond me, I find that a lot of women only feel valued when it's coming from a man. So I guess, they will do anything and believe anything to keep that feeling...even when they know it's wrong.